The American Academy of Pediatrics has suggested a redesign on the 300-year old street vendor special, the lowly hot dog. According to this article on the subject, experts say, “If you were to take the best engineers in the world and try to design the perfect plug for a child’s airway, it would be a hot dog.”
Now, in all seriousness, I’ve dealt with a small child choking (on the hot dog’s distant cousin, a chunk of ham). It’s terrifying for both parent and child. So I don’t laugh at the implications, trust me. I used to cut my kids’ grapes into small pieces, I banned cheese cubes, and, yes, diced their hot dogs. So please don’t accuse me of not taking our kids’ safety seriously.
But.
The idea of redesigning the hot dog itself? That sparked my interest. After all, they’re not just suggesting cutting your child’s food into small pieces — something every parent on the planet automatically does. They’re suggested overhauling an iconic food. This kind of falls into the category of Bubble Wrap Parenting. You want to completely redesign a food product in lieu of parental vigilance? I know parents. We’re a vigilant bunch. I think parents are smarter than we’re getting credit for.
However, the facts remain. 17 percent of food asphyxiation incidences were caused by hot dogs. I love kiddos, and I don’t want to see that happen to another kid. So, I rose to the challenge for the redesign. Here are my suggestions:
DRILL A HOLE THROUGH IT
This is probably the simplest, and possibly most effective, hot dog redesign. Drill a hole all the way through the hot dog. Then, if it gets stuck in a small throat (or a big one, for that matter), air will still be able to pass through. Like a hot dog Lifesaver. Literally.
THE HOT CAT
I’m not going to get into the dogs-versus-cats debate. I’ve never understood how people can “hate cats” or think “dogs are horrible.” (For the record, the official Polka Dot Suitcase stance on companion animals: We love them all.) But the hot cat, as a hot dog replacement, could make some sense when it comes to choking. Here’s how it works: You know how cats have to cough up fur balls? It’s the same principal. The fur on these dogs…er, cats…will cause anyone who is choking to hack them back up easily.
THINK GREEN
This design works not because of the shape of the food, but because of its very existance. Broccoli crammed into a tube? Kids just won’t want to eat it. Hence, they can’t choke. Problem solved.
POP DOG
Now tell me this doesn’t sound like fun — the Pop Rocks hot dog. With this redesign, when you take a bite, it starts imploding in your mouth with all the fun and fizz of the Pop Rocks candy. It totally dissolves in your mouth, and you crunch down any residue. Nothing left to choke on. Plus, it comes in fun colors and flavors.
Okay, got a better one? Share! Let’s Save Our Hot Dogs!
