polka dot suitcase

I like to think of myself as a positive person. Optimistic. Glass half-full. And adventurous, too. Shoot, when I was 18, my sister (then 20) and I drove all the way across the country and back, Syracuse to California, in a Yugo. (We returned with a flat tire, no oil, and the windshield wipers stuck to the glass.) We slept in a pup tent (and being the younger sib, I got stuck with the side that caved in on my face all night). You want adventure? That’s adventure.

And yet, there are definitely things I don’t plan on doing. Not just now. Any time. What is scary enough to frighten a brave chick such as myself? Here’s the list of things you’ll never catch me doing:

BUNGEE JUMPING. This one seems to go without saying. Attach yourself to a thick rubber band and hurl yourself head-first from something really high. Then you bounce back up, then down, then up, then down…until you run out of energy and just dangle there, upside down. Am I missing the point somewhere?

Why not? Do you really have to ask this? Rubberband? Upside down? Heights? I’ve seen Sir Buffalo Sushi and Mister Steel in enough rubber band battles and I can tell you — those things can not only break, they can fling off unexpectedly in entirely different directions than you intended. Nuh-uh. No bungee jumping for Kate.

EATING PEAS. Okay, so if you gave me the choice of bungee jumping or eating peas, you’d think I’d choose the peas. Mmmm…no. Can’t say I’d choose either. Who’s really going to give me that choice, anyway? No, no peas on my plate.

Why not? For one, the color. Pea-green. I think God must have been playing around, creating the universe, and then after he created the seas and the land, his paints kinda ran together a little. He didn’t want to waste that green, icky as it was, so he went ahead and made peas. Second, the taste. You know how that princess can detect a pea under thirty mattresses? Give me a 9×11 casserole with one pea in the entire thing and I’ll taste it in every bite. <shudder>

ACTIVELY SEEKING OUT A PORTA-POTTY. I know some people have no problem using a plastic bathroom. I do. On one trip, I really, really, really had to go. We pulled off at a very large rest stop — I think it was in Virginia. And all the bathrooms were under construction. Instead, they had about a mile of blue porta-potties all lined up. I almost cried. It’s like expecting diamond earrings for Christmas and getting a gum wrapper instead. You plan on these things, you know?

Why not? Seriously? Here’s the deal. I was blessed (cursed?) with a super sniffer. It’s probably what makes peas so difficult for me. I’m not kidding — I can detect odors that are possibly only detectable by bloodhounds. It’s unnatural. So to pull open the door of a plastic bathroom that’s been…uh…”cooking” for days…oh, I’m turning pea-green just thinking about it.

OWNING A LLAMA. I have absolutely nothing against llamas. In fact, I find them endearing. And I llove any word that has an extraneous lletter just for the heck of it.

Why not? It’s not that I wouldn’t love to. It’s just one of those things I’ve had to come to terms with. As in, “Sadly, I’ve realized I was never meant to be a llama owner.” There’s just not enough lland here at Chez Polka Dot. And I don’t think Big Fish would let me, even if we did have enough space. I don’t even thinking telling him I could start a business making llama sweaters would help my cause.

So there you have it. Some things in life I will never, ever, ever choose to do. And one dashed dream. Anyone else care to speak up? Got a list of things you’ll never, ever, ever be caught dead doing?